One Month Today

As a lot of you know I have been very emotional lately. Yesterday was
my last day of work and I have exactly a month until I am flying out
of the country. Hence, a lot of breakdowns. As a sanity measure I am going to compartmentalize my emotions into three major waves/states of being:
1. Being overwhelmed 2. Being excited 3. Being sad.

1. This is the most common emotional wave: being overwhelmed. What
makes me so overwhelmed you may ask. Well the first overwhelming
aspect of me going into the Peace Corps is the packing. How do you
pack your life into two bags--80 pounds--for two years?! I don't even
know if I will be living in a cold or hot region, or whether I will
have electricity, or if I will have time to do camping. On top of that
I keep attempting to mentally pack my bags and all my things but it is
really hard when you don't even have those things yet! Or even the bag
that you plan on using--I still need to buy a large backpack. So what
I typically do is imagine these objects in my head and then make up
their size and envision this amazing backpack packed in the most
organized fashion with the most up to date technology and gear (Please
note, I do not have the funds or the organizational skills to make
this dream become reality). But it is fun to dream!
Furthermore, the second overwhelming aspect is the question of whether
I will make a difference. A lot of people have posed this to me as I
spread the word about the Peace Corps. Some even say, So you think you
are going to end the AIDS epidemic? I usually smile and say no, but if
I can help just one person then my efforts will not be for nothing. I
am going to do my best, think positively (I am pretty good at that
already) and work very very hard.....but,on a more optimistic note....

2. The Second wave of emotion is excited! I am going to live in
Tanzania for two years! It is going to be the most incredible,
educational, beautiful and challenging experience. I am going to live
in Africa and learn to speak Swahili and pick Mangoes off trees and eat
them right then and there (and let the juice run down my hands and
arms and then dry, then I will probably be annoyed with myself because
there will be no running water and may hands and arms will be sticky
for wayyyy too long). I will hopefully be teaching skills that
Tanzanians will use for the rest of their lives! And I will get the
chance to help people make decisions so that they can have a longer,
healthier, a more satisfying life. I am going to go over with 44 other
people who I am sure will be just as enthusiastic as me. I know we
will all become fast friends. I am living my dream! (For those of you
who do not know me, going in to the Peace Corps has always been on the
agenda and I want to thank everyone who has helped me get here,
especially my parents. Without their support this would not be
possible and the fact that they have had my back from day one with the
Peace Corps is more than I could ask for!)

3. The Third wave of emotion is sadness and this feeling I get in the
pit of my stomach when I think about leaving my family and friends for
two years. When I think about what that amount of time means it makes
me even more sad. TWO YEARS! THAT'S SO LONG! I am going to be 24 when
come home. 24! (Almost Famous reference) What will happen when I am
gone? Will other people get married (besides Tiff and Tucker--so upset
I am missing that by the way)? Actually let me re-phrase: NO ONE IS
ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED, HAVE BABIES, OR DIE. Where will people be?
What will they be doing? What will change? How much will I change?
Will I be a different person when I come home? How will my parents be
okay without me? (Being the only child that I am this is a big
question) I know that between skype, the Internet, my cell phone, and
mail I will be able to keep in touch. But will it be enough for them?
I think I can answer that one already--No. But everyone will have to
adjust and be flexible in this process! As the Peace Corps requires! I
know I will do my best to stay in touch, and heck, I may even come
home for a short visit! Some ask me how I am going to live without
electricity? This is a concern that is pretty far down on then list
for me, the real question is: how am I going to be able to live
without my friends, family and pets around all the time? How am I
going to make one of the biggest steps in my life and not be able to
pick up my cell and talk for hours to my parents or friends and tell
them every detail of my life and analyze every little thing? Or even
just call them to tell them something funny!

So those are my three major mood swings. I know that the Peace Corps
is going to be the most amazing experience ever...The hardest and the
best years of my life.....the slowest and the fastest... all at the
same time...and I know that I will be able to make some sort of impact
in Tanzania and even when I come home. I know that I will keep in
touch with my family and friends. I know that I will buy all the gear
I need and that I will probably do a really bad job of packing. I know
that I will cry (a lot) and I know that at some point I will want to
jump on a flight and come home. But I am not a quitter, I am driven,
and I am strong. So I also know that I WILL be able to handle it. The
Peace Corps is not for everyone, but I think, right now, sitting on my
front porch with my dog on my feet (which is probably why this blog is
so long because I can't actually get up), the Peace Corps is for me.